Saturday, September 27, 2008

Stream of consciousness thoughts on my questions

I've been doing some more thinking. Maybe I just like to play a boy every so often. When I do it, I go all out. I wear my new Frog Bra which makes me as flat as I can be with a 38C (or D, according to Victoria's Secret), and I don't wear makeup. I like to wear my boxer briefs too, but I only have 2 pair of those, so it doesn't always work. I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel so ambiguous. All I know is that I haven't worn my skirts since school started. I don't make a point of not wearing them, I just feel funny doing it.

Maybe I'm getting too caught up in labels. No, I KNOW I am. I think I just want to label myself so I don't feel so alone. As if I can find more people like me that way. It's crazy, the power of suggestion. I think overthinking it is bad for me. I took a stupid test once about where on the spectrum I was, and I think I landed around soft androgyne. Description sounds about right. I clicked around to other types and somewhere read something about one type who, when pressed, would wear a bra but not at home. I thought, what a novel idea! And I promptly stopped wearing bras. Sometimes, I'll wear a sports bra, and I have to wear the "normal" kind of bra if I'm wearing a particular shirt, but I've just worn undershirts mostly. I didn't feel forced to do this, but I read it and thought that people "just didn't do that" so I never considered it.

I wonder if I act differently if I dress a certain way. I'm thinking of spending a couple days wearing all of the things I used to, just to see if I'm actually uncomfortable, or just feeling a different way. I'm not really sure.

And this is the second woman I've been on a date with where I've felt no chemistry. Maybe I don't like women as much as I thought. Except I do. Men have treated me like crap,

I wonder if I can be straight and genderbending at the same time. Wonder if there's a word for that. I ID as bisexual right now, and if we're really getting into the label thing, heteroflexible. I prefer men mostly, but am also attracted to butch women. Or butches, depending on whether or not they use it as a noun or a verb. Maybe my issue is not with my sexual orientation at all, but with my gender identity.

I'm so confused. And what always confuses me the most is that I'm so submissive sexually. Well, not extremely I guess, but for example, I am totally uncomfortable with the idea of me wearing a strap-on. I cannot be the dominant person. Part of why it didn't work with my last girlfriend is that she was also pretty submissive/bottom-y, and we just didn't work together. But maybe it's a self-conscious thing too. Maybe I'd be more dominant if I was comfotrable with the person and with myself.

On that subject, sex has always been a difficult issue for me. I raced into sexual things much too early, and it has resulted in a fear of man parts, as juvenile as it sounds. I realized this when I was with my ex not too long ago and no matter how turned on I was, I got terrified when he lost his clothes. I shut my eyes and I dreaded whatever he wanted me to do. He eventually left, not having gotten what he wanted, but for the first time in 6 years, I let him walk out the door and I felt no guilt or sadness. I still feel good about it. It's a miracle. Anyway, it mturns out I still have sexual issues with women. I'm fine until it gets into the nudity and the touching. The first time my ex came when we were together, I totally flipped out inside my head. She gets off very easily, and I'd never ever come with another person. I only just knew what it felt like to come for a little over a year, and just last week I could manage to do it without the help of something battery-powered. It's been a long battle. I just wasn't ready for it when I was with her. To me sex is really personal and I wasn't ready enough emotionally.

So I guess my questions are really wrapped up in my past as well. I'm starting therapy again with my former theapist who I couldn't see until I had insurance again. I hope it helps. Sorry this is so nebulous and incoherent.

1 comment:

Leo MacCool said...

you know, i think you're doing a really healthy thing by reading as much as possible, and trying different versions on in your own head and maybe in life for short stints. apart from blogs, a few of my favorites (mostly dealing with things butch, my personal bias): female masculinity (j. halberstam), stone butch blues (l. feinberg), butch is a noun (s. bear bergman). it's not that these books or any books have the right answer, but i've found it really freeing to understand what other people do and experience, and to see how my experience parallels & diverges from theirs. we're social animals; we don't have to make this stuff up all alone. (just think about all the models of heteronormativity we get, every darn day.) oh yeah, and big yay for insurance-covered therapy!